This is a true story but i've changed the names and situations.

Jenna was getting impatient. Lana and Kyle were taking forever. Couldn’t they just admit that they both had feelings for each other and get it over with?

She cast a glance over her shoulder. Kyle, who was leaning much too close to Lana was smiling at something she was saying. Jenna raised her eyes brows as Lana reached up and brushed a few strands of Kyle’s unruly brown hair out of his eyes. That simple gesture wouldn’t seem like much to anyone else, but Jenna knew Lana, or liked to think she did; Lana was as mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Brushing hair out of someone’s eyes for Lana was almost like getting down on one knee and proposing. If Kyle were someone else, she wouldn’t care that they were about to go blind, She wouldn’t let them stand so close to her either. Hell, she wouldn’t even be talking to them.

“Hurry up!” Jenna almost screamed at them.

That seemed to bring them back. She watched as they walked very slowly towards her. Taking their sweet time together.

Kyle’s signature all-eyes-on-me strut had been accentuated for Lana’s benefit. Jenna knew that he knew that Lana loved that stupid little strut but she would never bring herself to admit it.

This was stupid. They were such kids. Although they did have reasons to act that way; it was hard for Lana to show any emotions apart from anger and hatred. She just didn’t trust people enough to give them her heart. That was really dumb to Jenna because Lana had never had her heart broken by a guy. She always left them before they had a chance to leave her. But Kyle was pretty much an open book. Why couldn’t he just say; “Lana, I still have feelings for you!” Jenna knew the answer to that too. Lana had flat out rejected him the first time. She had broken Kyle’s heart. You see, Lana was probably the only girl that Kyle genuinely cared about. Sure, he’d been out with plenty of girls but it was just his hormones that cared for them. He never felt that chill or those butterflies with any of them, not even with Jenna.

How did Jenna know all this? Because she was wise. And also because Kyle had confided in her. That was the one thing Jenna appreciated about her friendship with Kyle. Unlike her friendship with Lana; he was honest with her. There were just too many complicated levels with Lana. Sure, she had trust issues but Jenna was her best friend for crying out loud.

Kyle was honest with her except when it came to the Lana issue. He said he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore. As if.

“The bus is just about to leave.” Jenna told them when the finally got to her.

Kyle shrugged at her. Lana was blank. Was she mad at Jenna for breaking up their little thing? Jenna didn’t know.

Jenna got on the bus first and head for the back, Kyle followed her but Lana sat at the front.

There was no understanding that girl.

Jenna watched Kyle watch Lana. “Disappointed?” she asked him.

“What? Why?” Kyle asked.

“Oh c’mon.” She said, aggravated. “How long is this going to go on? You two have been dragging this thing out for a year.”

Kyle just gave her a bored shrug. Jenna decided to drop it. She turned her attention to Lana. Some guy, Jake something or other had gone to sit with her. He was one of Lana’s conquests. The poor guy had fallen hook, line and sinker for Lana’s little game. It was a shame. The guy was a real sweetheart and he was about to get crushed.

“You’d better warn Jake about Lana.” Jenna spoke up.

“Why should I?” he asked.

“Because he is your friend. Would you want your friend to go through the same thing as you did?”

Kyle didn’t answer.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Excellent piece! I'm hooked!

My only suggestion (besides what Brad pointed out) is this quote here.
"How did Jenna know all this? Because she was wise."

Although we do need to know how Jenna knows all this, I don't like the way it is stated right out as a question. I would suggest giving the same information that is written in that paragraph, but fit it into the story somewhere. It seems to mess up the tone and flow, and makes you feel like you are watching from a far distance instead of being right there in it.

That would be my only change, and I love the story line and I can't wait to see more!

User avatar
bradsk88
Review

Not much I can suggest for this one, it's well done in my opinion. (Of course, every story can stand a couple dosen revisions just for the hell of it ;) )

Jenna knew that he knew that Lana loved that stupid little strut but she would never bring herself to admit it.

Try: "Jenna knew that Kyle knew that Lana loved that stupid little strut but she would never bring herself to admit it."
But even with this change, you should try to work with this to make it a bit less hard to read.

Why couldn’t he just say; “Lana, I still have feelings for you!”

Semi-colon use here isn't necessary.
Try: "Why couldn't he just say "Lana, I still have feelings for you"?
This IS a question, so you should end it as such.

He said he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore. As if.

You switched into present tense. Use "didn't".

“The bus is just about to leave.” Jenna told them when the finally got to her.

"They"

Kyle just gave her a bored shrug. Jenna decided to drop it.

Try: Kyle just gave her a bored shrug and(/so?) she decided to drop it.



I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.
— Flannery O'Connor